Transfigurations

[Entry originally written at 5:40 p.m., Feb. 7th]

In 10 minutes, I leave to begin the ceremonies involved in putting my grandmother (Nonna) into the ground for her final rest. It's a difficult time for me, and I can now appreciate how comforting the imagery of Christianity can be at a time like this. I really want to believe that there is more, that my Nonna is now living a new life free of pain and reunited with her own parents and husband. I want to believe that there's someone looking out for her, and that with all the mindlessness and cruelty of this world, that there really is something good behind it all. I want to believe that there is something greater, and that when my time ends that there will be a throng of friends and family awaiting me on the other side of the darkness. I want to believe that the essence of my Nonna is preserved, and that only the physical shell that trapped her spirit is being buried tomorrow in the freezing ground.

No wonder I'm having such a hard time of all of this. I want to believe, but can't.